Men and Dogs

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

• Both take up too much space on the bed.
• Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
• Both are threatened by their own kind.
• Both mark their territory.
• Both are bad at asking you questions.
• Neither tells you what's bothering them.
• The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
• Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
• Neither does any dishes.
• Both fart shamelessly.
• Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
• Both like dominance games.
• Both are suspicious of the postman.
• Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
• Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

• Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
• Dogs miss you when you're gone.
• Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
• Dogs don't criticize your friends.
• Dogs admit when they're jealous.
• Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
• Dogs do not play games with you--except fetch (and they never laugh at
  how you throw).
• Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
• You can train a dog.
• Dogs are easy to buy for.
• You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
• The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
• Dogs understand what no means.
• Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
• Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
• Dogs admit it when they're lost.
• Dogs are color blind.
• Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
• Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Where Dogs Fall Down

• Men only have two feet that track in mud.
• Men can buy you presents.
• Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
• Men are a little bit more subtle.
• Men don't eat turds on the sly.
• Dogs have dog breath all the time.
• Men can do math.
• Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
• It's fun to dry off a wet man.